We have returned from our weekend getaway. It was certainly an adventure...in the way that "adventure" can occasionally be used as a slightly-more-positive synonym for "disaster". I'll start with what we learned, and work backwards from there.
1) If someone in Thailand tells you the time it will take to get somewhere, double it. Actually, triple it. Just to be safe.
2) "Resort" does not mean the same thing that it does in other parts of the world.
3) If you see old dilapidated train tracks and think, "gee, no train could ever run on these rusted old rails so I can walk on here with no problem at all" - you're wrong.
4) Bats squeak.
5) Monkeys like corn cobs.
6) Obese Eastern Europeans favor
very revealing swimwear.
7) According to the Thais, the open bed of a pickup truck qualifies as "air conditioned".
Ok. Now that we have the summary out of the way, I'll start from the top and work my way down.
If someone in Thailand tells you the time it will take to get somewhere, double it. Actually, triple it. Just to be safe.
Every tour book, bus driver, train operator, minibus driver, and cabbie will tell you that Kanchanaburi is two hours from Bangkok. It isn't. We boarded a minibus at Victory Monument (from the "bus station" that is essentially a roadside market with a few vans parked out front)
bound for Kanchanaburi at 10AM on Saturday morning. We weren't exactly prepared for how many people they can pack into a three-row minivan (17), and we most definitely weren't prepared for the trip to take six hours. Three different people finished watching "Ides of March" on one iPad, sequentially, all the way through before we arrived in Kancha. But it didn't end there. Our resort/hotel/indoor campsite was yet another hour, which was finally completed after an hour of haggling with the van driver to convince him to take us there. We arrived at check-in exhausted, starving, and in desperate need of a beer at 5PM.
"Resort" does not mean the same thing that it does in other parts of the world.
You'll notice I refer to "check-in" above. This is not what you think it is. Usually, a hotel check-in has a nice desk with a few pretty ladies sitting behind it, air conditioning, and perhaps some fresh flowers. This check-in had a dirt floor, a tin roof, and was inhabited by a wild dog with the biggest nipples ("flapjacks", KWEST Grenada) I have ever seen in my entire life.
It was pretty clear from the get-go that this was not a "resort". The place had been recommended/insisted upon by an acquaintance in Bangkok, whose father co-owns it with a partner. We were informed by our contact that "everything had been arranged for us", and we would have a "relaxing weekend getaway" in the jungle. Before we left Bangkok, we came across a few TripAdvisor reviews of the hotel that reported scorpions in the rooms, but we figured, hey, it's the jungle, so a few bugs here and there are unavoidable. Turns out that wasn't the only problem with the place. The grounds were completely run down - the plastic lawn furniture, rotting wood, and rusted everything made it seem like like they hadn't had a guest in 20 years (apparently a few other guests had checked out earlier that day...dubious on all accounts). However, the rooms were fine, the staff (all 3 of them) were friendly, and we proceeded to have a few too many beers, play some Catch Phrase, and go to sleep early, ready for our hike to beautiful Erawan Falls the next morning. More on this later. As for the resort, here are some photos:
From the hotel website:
From my camera:
From the hotel website:
From my camera:
If you see old dilapidated train tracks and think, "gee, no train could ever run on these rusted old rails so I can walk on here with no problem at all" - you're wrong.
The owner of the resort was nice enough to arrange a driver to take us to "the" waterfalls and "the" caves, which we had read about in our guidebook. We left at 8AM Thai Time (9AM), and drove a few kilometers out into the countryside, fully at the mercy of a guy in a borrowed Kia who spoke no English. We pulled up to a set of train tracks, he pointed and said "cave", so we walked. All the way down a set of train tracks suspended high above the River Kwai, with a sheer drop off on each side. "Funny", we thought, "these tracks are so narrow...we wonder what would happen if a train came? But no, a train wouldn't come here, these tracks are rusted! Let's keep walking, it's so beautiful outside this morning!". So we kept walking. Until we heard the unmistakable, ghostly sound of a train whistle. We figured it was on the other side of the river until we looked behind us and saw this:
Luckily, we happened to be about 50 meters from a grassy patch (and not suspended over cliffs) at that point, so we hopped to the side and let the train pass while giving high-fives to a group of rowdy teenage boys leaning out of their windows. Which was actually sort of fun. And it was really beautiful.
Bats squeak.
After we almost died at the hands of a Thai railway operator, we found "the" cave we had driven out to see. It was a small cave, but beautiful, with a huge gold Buddha statue seated regally in the middle. We were about to head inside to explore further, but A) This was definitely not the cave in our guidebook (which was described as "cavernous" and "stalactite-filled"), and B) The whole place was filled with a sound....it was a funny squeaky sound (points for movie reference - family, Brendan, I know you know this). Yes, ladies and gents, it was bats. So....we left.
Buddha:
Bat hunting:
Monkeys like corn cobs.
En route from "the" cave to "the" waterfall, a monkey ran across the road. We all, of course, shrieked in delight (Joe Delgado has a surprisingly high squeal, for those of you who were wondering), and the driver pulled off the side of the road to a dirt parking lot. "Monkeys," he said (he knew five English words: cave, monkey, dog, no, and fear - I know these last two because he shouted "no fear no fear" when I completely flipped a lid while feeding the monkeys, freaked out, dropped the entire bag of food on the ground, and ran away). Anyway, for 20 Baht (65 cents), one could purchase a plastic bag full of corn cob pieces and dog food to feed to the monkeys. Which were all of a sudden EVERYWHERE. And I mean everywhere. And let me tell you something - monkeys are super cute until they are surrounding you from all directions trying to get what's in your hands, which is made all the more unnerving by your friends shouting, "WATCH YOUR BACK". Hence the previous parenthetical. However, it was totally worth 20 baht to get close to the little guys.
To make a long story short, we got taken to the WRONG waterfall (Sai Yok, described in the guidebook as "much-photographed but unexceptional"), had to negotiate in broken English to get taken to the RIGHT waterfall (Erawan, described in the guidebook as "astonishingly lovely"), which was on the complete other side of town, but once we finally got there, it was well worth the trip. Erawan Falls National Park contains a few attractions, the major one being the falls. There is a hiking trail that ascends up seven levels of clear green pools that were packed with Thai weekenders and unbelievably fat Russians in VERY small swimsuits (Felix Korostin, if you're reading this, can you please do something to mitigate this problem?). We did the hike to the top in about an hour, and it was pretty spectacular. The falls are beautiful, and walking through the jungle was quite a unique experience (especially while you're slogging uphill slowly in a hiking backpack and sneakers while barefoot Thai women carrying three babies blow by you). The water was clear and peaceful, and the patchwork of sun made the whole thing quite idyllic. It was definitely worth the trip. Evidence:
Once our hike was done, all we wanted to do was get back to Bangkok. We arranged for an "air conditioned minivan" to take us from Erawan Falls back to Kanchanaburi, where we would catch the bus back to Bangkok. What actually showed up was a pickup truck with two seats in the front and an open truck bed. I wouldn't necessarily recommend riding in a truck bed on dry, polluted Thai roads for an hour and a half, but it's not so bad once in your life. Actually, it was pretty fun.
We're finally back in Bangkok now, and I'm blissfully happy here at Sasa House with my clean sheets and air-con. But despite all the trials and tribulations of this weekend, it was a great adventure, and we definitely got an "authentic" experience. Big shout-out to the Dream Team of Andrea Raj, Dana Foster, Ross Clements, Joe Delgado, and Ahmad Zakaria. Not sure I would have made it home without you guys.
